Some devil is stuck inside of me, I cannot set it free.
~ Dave Matthews Band, “Some Devil”
No matter how hard I try, I cannot set some devil’s free. They simply are the type that have latched on to me and seem to now be permanently attached. It’s quite frustrating. No matter how hard I try, I cannot consistently live in the moment and remember that NOW is the only thing that exists. Not the past, not the future, only NOW. I am constantly catching myself thinking about the past and wondering “what if” - what if I had done things differently, what if I had made this decision or that choice rather than the ones I did, what if, what if, what if. I am constantly worrying about the future and wondering if everything is going to be “OK,” whatever that means.
Right NOW is all that matters and right NOW I am alive and healthy and in love and I have everything I could possibly need. But no matter how many times I say to myself that IF this or that happens, I will just make changes and go with the flow, I cannot find comfort in the moment, in the NOW.
Even knowing that faith has a tendency to show you the way as long as you are willing to blaze the trail, I cannot find comfort.
I have decided that comparison and intellect is the source of my suffering. If I were not comparing myself or details of my life with others or different possible scenarios, I would be fine. If I did not have the intellect to explore all these “what if” situations, I would be fine. I would simply live. I would be comfortable in the now.
