I am in a scenario that has me truly analyzing my life. And through this analysis, I have been forcing myself to act with integrity as completely as I possibly can as I move through the challenges and opportunities presented by this scenario. So I’ve been consistently asking myself questions - both regarding the specifics of the scenario I mention but also in my daily behaviors. I figure if I am going to make changes, I should be certain that the changes I am making are going to lead me towards what I truly want out of life. And with that focus come the questions.

Am I being true to myself? Am I being true to others? Am I being conscious of the actions of my ego (which is not me but some other beast that lives in this body)? Am I being fair to myself and to others? Am I living my life the way I want to and not concerning myself with the way others may be choosing to live theirs and not judging them or characterizing them for doing so nor worrying about what they may think of what I am doing? Am I living with integrity, generally and in each moment? Am I living fully, right now or am I living in the past? Am I living with fear as my primary guide or faith and optimism for a future I know I can create as long as I believe I can get there and remember that life, and this existence, is the ultimate definition of “OK?”

I find that I can’t always answer yes to all those questions. Sometimes … well, maybe a lot of the time, I have to face the fact that I am not acting in those ways or remembering the importance of those actions. I am human after all and we humans have a tendency to let our egos get in the way. But what’s really important about this is the discovery that this scenario and the resulting perspective I am forcing myself to take has led me to and the way this process changes my behavior and trains my mind to view the future.

I’ve found that I have begun to teach myself to ask these questions after I’ve done something that I know will mean the answer to the question is “no.” I realize I need to flip that around so that I ask before I act but that is the important first step; the post-realization. On a continuing basis, that process is making me more conscious of my actions because I am remembering that I will be asking these questions. Which eventually is slowing starting to retrain me to think first before acting or perceiving.

These questions and this process have also brought a focus on what is truly important in my life and what I believe is truly important in God’s eyes for me to experience. Or maybe more importantly, for me to be conscious of as I experience this life. It is not profound and is an answer that lies within the questions themselves. It is, for lack of a better word, integrity. But it is also the experience of integrity in my life.

It is not just integrity of action but integrity of thought and perception. It is the experience of feeling integrity, thinking integrity before acting and doing things with integrity. It is living with a conscious approach, as much as humanly possible, by asking these questions about life in general but most importantly about yourself and your own thoughts.

I think that as I face new challenges in life, challenges I’ve never faced before, I find that I am less fearful of them because of this focus on integrity. It just seems to me that the feeling of integrity, which I cannot describe, leads me down a path of abundance. Not abundance of money or material necessarily, but an abundance of satisfaction. The more I remember to act and think with integrity, the more I feel as though life is providing me with exactly what I desire which fundamentally is love and happiness. Because ultimately, if all I have is love and happiness and a consciousness of integrity, then my life is abundant beyond measure.

I realized recently that I’ve spent a lot of time in my life wondering about other peoples judgments of me. I’ve always been naturally inclined to wonder how people perceive my acts or my outward appearance or whatever detail I happen to be worried about at any particular moment AND I’ve always been concerned about how people might be judging my acts or appearance or insert detail here. It’s clearly a egocentric, insecurity kind of thing.

This behavior goes back as long as I can remember. When I was in Middle School, I remember hearing that people thought I was “stuck up” and I remember that it upset me because I was not “stuck up” and was simply living my life the best a 7th grader (or whatever grade it was) can live a 7th grade life. I just didn’t see that I was consciously being “stuck up” but clearly I was being perceived that way. I am simply a subdued person most of the time and I think that can often be characterized as something it’s not. I also tend to be a little “checked out” as I move through more mundane activities in life. I am this way because my mind is pretty consistently going on about something. And when it’s not, well, I tend to literally check out. The kind of checking out where someone has to say my name several times before I perk up. This especially happens when I am watching TV.

Funny thing about my judgment concern though is I don’t really ever recall reacting in broad ways based on it. I don’t decide first how someone might perceive something I do or buy or wear or whatever and THEN decide what to do/buy/wear/whatever. I just do what works for me and for my life at that moment in time. Then I worry about what that might mean in other peoples judging eyes. I am sure there is some influence going on that I do not perceive - after all, I am human and therefore driven quite often by my damn ego - but I definitely don’t make conscious decisions based on any judgments I think might or might not be made about whatever it is I’m doing.

I think what caused me to realize this issue is a combination of the fact that I’ve been reconnecting this year via the almighty Facebook with some people I haven’t seen nor spoken to in many, many years and the fact that whenever I speak these judgment concerns out loud, Marcia always reminds me with “Who cares?” to which I always (outwardly) respond with “Right, who cares.”

Clearly I care. But I shouldn’t and that’s the rub.

I know it all comes back to ego. I know it does. But knowing something doesn’t make the solution known or if known, easier to attain. In this case, I know the solution and all that does is make the habit really frickin’ annoying. The solution for me is yoga and the Tao. Yoga reminds me about now and conscious choice. Tao reminds me of the way which is difficult to describe unless you’ve studied Tao a bit but basically it’s that the goal in life is not the “destination” (whatever you may think that is), it is how and what you do on the way which is every moment. It’s a very complimentary practice to that of yoga.

So basically, as the ego constantly chatters in my ear, I am supposed to remember to be here, now and focused on the now, not the chatter or what the chatter may be directing my mind to think about. The biggest problem for me is that the chatter is almost constant. And damn it if it isn’t a bitch to quiet that chatter even when you are conscious of it and TRYING to quiet it.

I guess my solace is that I know the first steps are acknowledgment of the problem and admission of the problem to myself and to others which I have done and clearly am continuing to do. I know that Faith is my support in this. I know that I really need meditation. Meditation would really round things off. It’s the only practice that I feel like I need but have yet to embrace with habit.

If anyone knows of a good technique, let me know.

One of my favorite movies right now is “Into the Wild” which is directed by Sean Penn and based on the book of the same title by John Krakauer. It’s the true story about Christopher McCandless and his journey into the wilds of Alaska that tragically ends with his death. It’s a great and sad story and I relate to it because there was a long period in my life when all I did and wanted to do was be in the wild. Especially alone because I learned so much about myself when I spent time alone in the woods.

I watched the movie over the weekend. It reminded me of a lot of events in my past. It reminded me why nature has been such an important part of my life. It reminded me that, to a degree, I’ve lost touch a little bit with that part of me. But more importantly it reminded me of the beauty of this life.

In one scene, Christopher is climbing a small hill with Ron, an old man he met on part of his Journey. When they get to the top, they have a conversation part of which I will share. It is a particularly poignant conversation for me on different levels but mainly because one of the many reasons I love spending time in nature alone is because there is something about the relationship I feel with nature when I am alone with it. I can’t really explain that but it’s very spiritual for me. I find joy in contemplating reality while surrounded with the unbelievably complex beauty of nature. Not to mention that the conversation is very yogic in nature.

Christopher: But your wrong if you think the joy of life comes principally from human relationships. God’s placed it all around us. It’s in everything. It’s in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at those things.

Ron: I’m gonna take stock of that. [Christopher looks at Ron skeptically.] No, I am. I am. But I want to tell you something. From the bits and pieces I’ve put together, you know from what you’ve told me about your family, your mother and your dad, and I know you got your problems with the church too, but there’s some kind of thing we can all appreciate and it sounds like you don’t mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines on you.

I had a bit of a realization watching that scene the other night. It made me think about many of the regrets I still carry. Especially the regrets I have about things I’ve done. Things that I’ve felt really bad about and wished I could go back and change. Things I should have forgiven myself for a long time ago. Things that have weighed on me for a long time.

I now see that forgiveness is not just about forgiving others for what they may have done to me (which I’ve done a lot of over the last several years), but almost, and if not, more importantly about forgiving myself for what I have done to others and to myself. Forgiving myself for being human really. Because I am just that. I am flawed by nature and that is OK as long as I am conscious of that and do my best to be better at being human. I sure as hell can forgive myself for that if that’s how I am living my life. Even if the regrets are from times when maybe I wasn’t being conscious.

In doing this, I feel much lighter. I think I still have to find the courage to forgive myself for certain things but I’ve come a long way by just facing some of the “little” things.

Ron talks about God’s light shining on you when you practice forgiveness but also about forgiveness equating to love. I’ve always felt that God’s light shines the brightest when we do things that make us happy and when we truly love ourselves for who we are, mistakes and humanness and all. I now realize that I’ve achieved a new state of happiness and a new state of love by letting some of these things go and allowing myself to forgive me.

It is easy to blame others or to blame God or the Universe for these unfortunate details. It’s easy to go to a place of hate in your mind for someone or some thing. But none of those options really do much to address the challenge. It only makes us feel worse about a bad situation.

It’s all relative and within that relativity lies the significance of this reality for each of us. I don’t claim by any means to have had a horrible life or have been presented with horrific realities. I’ve had my challenges but they pale in comparison to many. But I do know that I have found a Path. So I know it’s possible. And I know that in finding that Path I have for the most part found peace.

I wish that I could reach inside and pull out the essence of whatever it is that has helped me find this Path and create a little gift that could I give to anyone who is struggling with their own Karma. I feel very sympathetic to anyone who has not come to grips with whatever life has presented them with. Although I like to believe otherwise, I choose to live this life believing that it is the only chance I get to live it and in so doing, I feel that sympathy for anyone who is wasting this beautiful opportunity. If I could just give that part of me, I know that I would.

If you are reading this and you are struggling with Karma, just know that there is a Path where the Journey is fueled by Peace. I cannot describe the Path for you because again, it’s all relative, and I cannot tell you how to find the Path. But the Path exists and it’s character is perfect for each of us as long as we open our eyes and our hearts to it’s existence. That doesn’t mean that it’s always an easy Path or that it won’t throw obstacles at us. But the beauty of the Path is that simply being on it makes the obstacles and the challenges all that much easier to deal with.

Part of my own Karma is that I constantly am in a struggle for the Answer. And with that struggle I am burdened further with a strong desire to also share that Answer. The problem is that I don’t know what the Answer is. It’s one of the main reasons I write here. Through my writing, I am searching. And through my searching I am hoping that together we might find at least some small glimpse of that Answer.

I am not perfect and I often feel judged in that imperfection but that is just another characteristic of my own Karma. I do know that in this space I feel no judgment. Maybe it’s the facelessness of the computer I pour these words into. But I also know that I hope someone, even if only one, reads this and is inspired in some way. And I now realize that maybe that is part of the meaning that I so recently sought. Maybe that one inspiration is all that I am supposed to give and that is enough. I hope that this is true and I think, am choosing to believe so. I hope that you are reading this and are finding some meaning for yourself and in finding that meaning, helping me to find my own meaning.

Namaste and thank you for reading this.

I often challenge myself on whether I think I am materialistic or acting in a materialistic way. In this 24/7 world of connected media driven by the money of Madison Avenue, it’s easy to feel this way. I am constantly feeling the pull of this offer or that advertisement. Those marketers just know how to pull on my emotions and get my senses excited. I feel like I want that thingamawho and need that other doohicky because of course, I will look/feel/smell/taste/sound better if I had it ALL!

I believe that right now the Universe is having me go through an exercise of questioning and considering what it is that is important to me and what it is that truly makes me happy and unhappy too. Are the things that I have surrounded myself with really all that impactful on my overall happiness or are they actually detrimental to that wellbeing? I am still in the midst of considering this so I don’t know the answer and don’t know if I will ever really know the answer but I am pretty sure that objects and possessions are not what it’s all about. I mean, this is a fundamental teaching of true yoga right?

I think I at least know it’s all about the ego. Or at least its genesis is the ego. The ego likes to compare. The ego likes short term satisfaction. But on the other hand the ego also likes fear - the “monkey mind” if you will. It drives us to make choices that result in possession and then it freaks us out by making us worry about money and the source of money AND THEN it tells us that money is the answer. The more money we have, the happier we will be because we won’t have to worry about money anymore, of course. It seems so simple. But we lose site of what truly makes us happy which are the things that don’t require lots of money.

Getting back to the materialistic slant, I drive a sporty little BMW. Does that make me materialistic? I live in what I define as my dream house but at a minimum I think I can fairly characterize as a nice house. Does that make me materialistic? I choose to spend a large portion of my money on these things. Why? Well, mainly because I can right now, quite honestly but also because at the end of the day, I enjoy these things. Does that make me materialistic?

It would be easy to let my yoga get to me. It would be easy to feel guilty. But I choose to view it in the context of a larger purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is but I do believe it exists and that as I move down my Path, I will be made aware of my purpose as it unfolds. The things I have and the methods by which I acquired these things are part of a purpose that I can’t explain nor define. But it is a purpose nonetheless. Who am I to argue with that by turning away from these things or giving them up altogether? I suppose if I did that it would be part of my purpose too but I am not doing that because part of my purpose is my personality which is a significant input to my purpose.

Maybe I am fooling myself. Maybe I should be giving it all up and joining a yogi monastery. But something tells me that is not my purpose. Something tells me that the more important thing to do is to enjoy this time while it exists because tomorrow it could be gone or, knock on wood, severely impacted in some unforeseen way. But I guess if that happens, it’s just another piece to the purpose puzzle.

Ultimately I have learned that it’s all about the yoga and that has brought me amazing comfort. The poses are great and I love how they make me strong and when they make me sore and my physical body rejoices. But it’s the fundamentals of breathing and being present that remind me what’s really important because they trickle off my mat and into my life. It’s not the car, the house and most definitely not the money. These are just icing on a cake that is made from love. Love of life. Love of family. Love of friends. Love of the little details like the smell of the honeysuckle wafting through the spring air. Love of the moment because of how unbelievable the moment truly is. The yoga reminds me to remind myself of these things and to pay attention to them NOW, not the possibility that they might be there for me to enjoy tomorrow when I have more money.

The more often I practice - both physically and metaphysically - the more I am grounded by the fundamental ingredient of yoga which is love. If you took it all away and had nothing but love for it all, would you be unhappy? This is the question of questions. And although I am reluctant to give a confident answer, I know in my heart that the answer is yes. The monkey mind wants me to think I would be unhappy without the car or the house or the money especially. But my heart tells me that if I had love, in all its amazing forms, I would be happy.

Enlightenment has been defined as the state of realization in which the subtlest traces of ego and ignorance about the nature of reality are purified or eliminated. I think if I could allow my heart convince my ego that love is truly the answer, that I would be one enlightened yogi.

It’s been a pretty persistently reoccurring thought the past few weeks. Should I be working with some organization to benefit some group of people? Should I instead set aside some amount of my income to donate to some organization on a monthly basis? And if one of these is the path I feel I should be taking, what are the details? How do I choose what organization to work with or which one to donate to? If I give my time or money to one, am I not essentially taking away from another? And if I choose either of those options, aren’t I taking away from my family by not giving that time or money to them now or for the future?

I am completely torn. So I finally yesterday expressed to Marcia what I was feeling. I boiled it all down to the simplest view of it which is “I want to do something meaningful. I want to feel, on my deathbed (assuming I have the opportunity to ponder this), that my life was meaningful and that I did something meaningful not just with my life but for some undefined other life (or lives).”

Her response to me really brought it all into perspective. This is one of the many reasons I love that woman so much. She said that I am living a meaningful life because I am raising two beautiful, wonderful little girls. YES! Of course I am. Eureka! And don’t mistake that I don’t feel that it is meaningful to raise two children in this life. It’s just that I was feeling I needed to do something that would have a positive impact on other peoples lives. But who’s to say that by raising these little people that I am not doing that?

It made me realize how relative it all is. Relativity does not just apply to quantum physics. It’s all about perspective. How you view everything truly impacts and shapes your life. Beyond that, how you define things can truly impact your life and clearly for me, my life direction.

Should I feel guilty for not going down a path of “service” (whatever that means)? Should I feel sinful (whatever that means)? I think no is the answer to both of those questions as well as many more like them. What is wrong with a life dedicated to happiness - both my own, in the form of time and satisfaction from raising beautiful people, to the happiness of those two little ones that I am raising? Who’s to say that isn’t my purpose in life and a large part of their purpose in life? If I choose this path I can NOT be wrong and no one can tell me it is wrong. Each of us must make choices based on the experiences and stimuli that we are presented with in life. Some of us may choose “service” (whatever that means) and some of us may choose “love” (whatever that means). Neither is wrong. Each is right for each that chooses. It’s just a matter of perspective.

Oh yeah, and a little compassion. We can NOT judge or ridicule because someone else has chosen a path that we have not chosen. We are all doing the best we can possibly do given the conditions that we’ve individually been given. Some of us call it random and drift, others don’t call it anything because of “unconsciousness,” while others see a purpose and seek a path. Is the latter “right” any more than the former? None of us have proof that ANYTHING is truly real beyond the physical that we can perceive so why call anything “wrong?”

Anyway, I am getting off topic. For me this is about my Path. It always has been. What is my Path and am I making sure I am still on my Path? The answer to that is a resounding YES! I find that when I am feeling uncertain about something in life or when I am feeling “needy” in life, I am about to have some personal revelation. This simple process of seeking meaning and finding meaning right in front of my eyes was just one of these episodes.

The amazing thing to me about these episodes is the coincidences I often experience. I had one last night only several hours after having had this conversation about “meaning” with my wonderful friend and wife. Friday night is movie and Subway night at our house. Via a friend we recently discovered “Redbox” DVD rental which is a movie vending machine in the Harris Teeter grocery stores. Last night, Marcia got the movie “Martian Child” with John and Joan Cusack. I had never heard of this movie and Marcia got it because it seemed like a good family friendly movie for us to watch while being one we would all enjoy.

Cusack portrays science fiction writer David Gordon, a thirtysomething widower. Seeking to do something “meaningful” with his life, David considers adopting a child. While wrestling with the decision, he is drawn to a six-year-old boy named Dennis (Bobby Coleman) who just happens to think he is from Mars. Dennis spends his days secluded in a large cardboard box (he’s fearful of the sun), wearing a weighted belt to keep him floating away and the victim of the cruel teasing of other children.

Did you catch the coincidence in that? In the movie, Cusack is telling a friend that he wants to do something meaningful and that something happens to be adopting and raising this beautiful little boy.

I don’t know about you but I view that is pretty coincidental and pretty amazing support for the revelation of meaning about my own life that I had just a few hours earlier.

Most of us go through life a little afraid, a little nervous, a little excited. We are like children playing hide and seek, wanting to be found, yet hoping we won’t be, biting our nails with anticipation. We worry when opportunity approaches a little too closely, and hide deeper in the shadows when fear overcomes us. This is no way to go through life. People who understand the true nature of reality, those whom some traditions call enlightened, lose all sense of fear or concern. All worry disappears. Once you understand the way life really works—the flow of energy, information, and intelligence that directs every moment—then you begin to see the amazing potential in that moment. Mundane things just don’t bother you anymore. You become lighthearted and full of joy. You also begin to encounter more and more coincidences in your life.

When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities. This is when the magic begins. This is a state I call synchrodestiny, in which it becomes possible to achieve the spontaneous fulfillment of our every desire. Synchrodestiny requires gaining access to a place deep within yourself, while at the same time awakening to the intricate dance of coincidences out in the physical world.

~ From “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire” by Deepak Chopra

Beyond the aspects of the self that it allows us to learn, it also clearly teaches us. It teaches patience. It teaches us to be present and conscious of the now. It teaches us to breath through much more than just a pose or just when on our mats.

Yoga for me personally has done much more than that. It has exposed a Path that I don’t know I would have found without yoga. But what’s more is that it has allowed me to realize that any path can exist and any path can be exposed if we are just willing to blaze the trail.

The emotional expression of yoga has also allowed me to face a lot of demons from my past and release them. Or at least befriend them. That process has also led me down a parallel path of expression that I did not know I had in me.

These are just a few of the things that I have found that the art of yoga has brought to my life. I hope that you have found unique and important paths through your practice.

The following passage is what prompted my topic today. I don’t always feel inspired to write from my heart. but beautiful words always inspire me. I hope these inspire you in some way as well.

The basis of an aesthetic art is the pure idea. But the pure idea is, of necessity, an aesthetic act. Here then is the epistemological paradox that is the artist’s problem. Not space cutting nor space building, not construction nor fauvist destruction; not the pure line, straight and narrow, nor the tortured line, distorted and humiliating; not the accurate eye, all fingers, nor the wild eye of dream, winking; but the idea-complex that makes contact with mystery - of life, of men, of nature, of the hard, black chaos that is death, or the grayer, softer chaos that is tragedy. For it is only the pure idea that has meaning. Everything else has everything else.

~ From “Reading abstract expressionism: context and critique” by Ellen G. Landau

“It is, I now understand, a story that has no clear beginning or end, but, like the blood itself, keeps coming back around, full circle.

In each heart, at one time, two motions, the spent blood returning even as the renewed rushes out.

At one time, in each heart - yours, mine, at this very instant - two leanings, two dispositions, two emotions: the urge to go to the very edges of our existence followed by that dire sensation of having gone too far, of being way out on a limb and needing, at all costs, to get back home.

In each heart, at one time, both thrust and thrust’s acceptance, an ongoing, self-contained act of inner coition that at once mimes and moves the outward one to its perfectly mindless redundancy. More and more now I know the outer world to be a recapitulation of our own inner biology.

Outside, the city slumbers along with my brain. I’ve just doubled back on it, followed my heart’s footsteps back around to what I’d taken such pains to escape, found myself standing before some late-night, domino-lit office tower, dead migratory birds strewn at its base.

Where, then, to begin? At what point in the heart’s motion to intercede without disrupting that ongoing simultaneity? It has a mind of its own, the heart, for which our minds have yet to find the words.”

~ From “A Man After His Own Heart” by Charles Siebert